He wanted to make sure😂
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SF is the wild wild west man
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break