He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
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Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
