Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

🏠

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

NASA has no chill