He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Snapes on a plane.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
What the hell happened here.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never