He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
figuring out my emotional availability:
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
