He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Who did it better?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer