He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade