He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?