He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I have a black belt in leather
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.