he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
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spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
me when the borders lift
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny