he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
You Might Also Like
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Monday
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
