Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants

Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.

Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!

Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.