He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
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We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
road rage
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]