He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
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“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Why does laundry happen to good people?
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
☠️
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*updates tinder bio*
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?