He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
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Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Human are so complicated
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.