Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

i wish all

whales

a very

big

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

The “baby” on the left….

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.