Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

Dumplings,

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Air pods looking like an angry frog

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents