He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
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I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Terribly Tuesday.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.