He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My inexpensive home security system…
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*