He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
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Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
reduce, reuse, recycle
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’