Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?