Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

Still cracks me up

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

We need more people like this.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.