He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
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My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
(Jupiter –
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*