He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
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Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Expect the unexporcupine.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.