Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Incredible customer service.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

shazam but for random noises outside

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.