He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
This woman is my idol. Free her.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder