He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.