Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this