He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!