Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too