He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Just say no
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
lol
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me