He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms