He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
did it work
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.