He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center