Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

ok hear me out: Luigiana

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving