he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
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huge if true: the moon
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
my one true gender
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
We were playing a board game. My husband and 7yo were on the same team. My 7yo as she put her arm around her dad, “dad, can you smell that? That’s the smell of victory.” It was so cute watching them lose together after I took them down.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.