He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Smile they said.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table