he was correct
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When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
apparently this year was written by stephen king
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.