he was correct
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If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*