Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.