He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Somebody call the cops.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know