He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
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warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?