He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
sigh
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
