He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings