He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here