He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs