He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My birth announcement for our third baby
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me