Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

* heats water for tea in the microwave *

* delights at the reactions from purists *

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Straight people are cancelled