He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming