He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
#Caturday
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.