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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
When can I start eating bats again.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
He’s dead
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?