He went from scream to scary movie in seconds馃槶
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I鈥檝e just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I鈥檇 ever share my wine with her.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 馃槀
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Not to brag but I don鈥檛 even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Everyday is leg day when you鈥檙e running from your problems
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I鈥檓 just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Let鈥檚 be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My mom, to me as a kid: You鈥檇 probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.