Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Quadruple digit IQ

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”