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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Revenge served cold
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic