He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
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Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?