Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

My last name is Zilla.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.