He who laughs first, must be using 3G internet.

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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*


Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.


My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.


I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?


Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably


Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP


“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING


{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience}

“Have you seen my charger?”



1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie