@monochromatiic

He who laughs first, must be using 3G internet.

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@ClichedOut

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@3sunzzz

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

@schmuuur

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

@xosm

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

@RodLacroix

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

@Kyle_Lippert

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

@scorpicpanda

{after you tell me about your horrible, yet life altering near-death experience}

“Have you seen my charger?”

@fro_vo

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie