@monochromatiic

He who laughs first, must be using 3G internet.

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@mdob11

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

@Vodkantots

[to other patients in psychiatrist’s waiting room]

I’m not like you people. This is court mandated.

@AndyAsAdjective

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

@bransonreese

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@Storminika

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

@KrunkedRobot

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

@squidslippers

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

@3sunzzz

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*