Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

August 8

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!