Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?