He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
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My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.