He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
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Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.