He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
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You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices