Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room