He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
it must be school picture day
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.