Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

🙅🏻

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

They must have gotten it to go.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Just say no

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”