He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .