Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
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Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!