Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them