Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

same energy

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Pandas 🐼🖤

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

Duck typos.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot