Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Jogging has never helped my memory.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight