Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

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If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.


Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped


*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”


The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.


Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.


Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.


Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*


“Does this hurt?”
“What about this?”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”


[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]

Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”

Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”