@ronnui_

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

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@TheBoydP

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

@OfficeofSteve

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@offsidebastard

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

@WritePlay

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

@_davidlucas_

Me: How are you?

Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*

@BitterKrust

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

@BrakSucks

[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]

Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”

Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”