Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You Might Also Like
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon